Funnies (ha ha)

Great helpful hints

MOVIE GOERS. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by peeing before the movie starts.

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply box it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a tiny mattress or pillow in case they sic one of their dogs on you.

MEN When watching your favorite show or listening to your favorite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply stick your cell phone inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE MEN Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Penney’s with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

ALCOHOLICS don’t worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the bar, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say “know what I’m sayin'” all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a “cry for help”, simply shout “Help!”, and save some time.

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